Secrets


Welcome! You are awesome! Thank you for the chance to share my ideas with you.

This week’s DungeonPrompt is SECRETS.

My first reaction to this prompt was to not do it. The word secrets brings up shame from my past. But I have a commitment to blog and so I turned toward my fear and let go my anxiety about it. After releasing my anxiety I realized I hadn’t updated my perception of myself. You see…

In my childhood there were all kinds of secrets. Secrets I kept from my grandmother about the things I did at my house during the week. Secrets I kept from my mom so I wouldn’t get in trouble. Secrets I kept from everyone because I was scared that they would be angry at me. But the darkest were the secrets I kept from myself. The secret that I wasn’t really safe in the world. The secret that even God didn’t love me unless I did what he wanted.

I believed in that young age that all of these secrets kept me safe. I determined that to be sneaky was to be in control.

Sometimes even today that older version of me still stored in my subconscious leaks into my conscious mind. He told me to not write this article. He told me to keep this part of myself a secret.

I love him but he no longer drives the boat.

In the intervening years I have, of course, gained further refinements to my understanding of secrets. I learned that having secrets was more complex than I first thought.

In some cases keeping secrets had a positive result:

  • Demonstrating integrity
  • Being trustworthy
  • Respecting boundaries
  • Avoiding gossip

In other cases keeping a secret was less impeccable:

  • Playing it close
  • Not telling all of the story
  • Acting ignorant or playing it dumb

And at the times when I was most out of integrity secrets allowed me to:

  • Hide things
  • Lie outright
  • Spread a rumor
  • Gain control

Let’s just say I developed a complex relationship with secrets. 🙂

In 2003 I made an agreement to not be sneaky and lie. Around this same time I obtained a copy of the book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. In the book the agreement to be Impeccable with my word seemed right but when I looked at the descriptions in the book that younger version of me started to look for loopholes. I was up against a lifetime of using secrets to make myself feel safer.

From then I worked on holding myself accountable for being sneaky and worked to determine what was driving me underneath anytime I was not impeccable with my word.

As I worked on this I found several themes:

  • When I was afraid I was more willing to forgo my integrity and lie
  • When I was angry I was more willing to tell a story that made me look good
  • When I was sad I was more willing to be disappointed and to act hurt by others
  • Shame and guilt from my lack of integrity only led to cycles of deceit

So today I’ve learned that for me the challenge of being impeccable with my word has more to do with my internal state than any issue of self control, morality, or discipline. I am able to live in my integrity when I am not being driven by my emotional reactions.

Patience with myself, self-forgiveness for my wrongs, and humility about who I am instead of shame and guilt are the path to living in my integrity. Through the blessing of God and the healing of love I can stay in my integrity, for love is the source of my patience, forgiveness, and humility.

As I increase my self-esteem and unveil my true potential and capabilities, I am less and less reactionary. When I’m more comfortable in my skin, I listen to that scared internal kid less and less. Those old memories come back from time to time like a long lost friend. I can treat them with love but not let them get a hold of me.

However, the road of life has potholes. So the secrets I keep and the lack of integrity I might show from inside a pothole are not a reflection of my highest self. They are instead reflections of my fear and frustration born from the rut in the road. With sincere kindness for self I will slow down for the potholes so I can pass through them without so much chaos, fear, or anger.

Thanks to Sreejit for another great Prompt. Thanks to you for reading and sharing in my blog. I wish love, joy, and serenity to you.

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9 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. What a very honest and profound share you have written here. Lots to think about and makes me think of how many times we do hide from the truth for various reasons. As a youth I do believe fear and shame are huge. You have left much food for thought and thank you for this. When I see Wayne Dyer as one link to change one’s life, I smile. Years ago I use a few of his books from the 70′s almost as my bible preparing workshops on Self-Esteem along with Nathanel Branden. May I reblog this on my Blog Stigma Hurts Everyone?

  2. Reblogged this on Stop the Stigma and commented:
    Serendipity seems to be a word I keep saying this past week. I read a blog post about rage and accepting our dark side at http://butterflysand.com/ and it spoke to me. I also noticed that there is a week I had not noticed or read many responses to a prompt from The Seeker’s Dungeon on Secrets at http://theseekersdungeon.com/. I am reading one after the other now and have to stop at some point for I am humbled at how some writers are truly reflecting on their personal “self”. I usually delve into the “moi” on DungeonPrompts but that particular week I wrote about holding other people’s secrets including their pain, rage, suffering. Maybe I was playing it safe that week… Many other writers responded by reflecting on their personal “selves”.
    One in particular made me think A LOT. I felt like I had added that zoom lense on my old Pentax 35mm camera and turned it within. Like my old camera that needs refurbishing (it was after all purchased in 1977 and last used in 1997) the pictures are foggy, hard to discern what is what. I am looking, and humbled by some of the various facets of “my” secrets I do hold. I had guarded them for so long to protect my identity I think. Don’t we all have secrets of childhood that we would shrivel to oblivion if someone knew? Come on! It is not only what was done to us for those are secrets we may or may not share for different reasons. Some of us go through therapy and process some of this. But what about our deepest thoughts that only a few select may take the time to go into psychoanalysis (who can afford that?!) and look at our darkest side, the most outrageous, the most hideous, the most shameful. (and according to whose values?)
    This particular post by Dave Kester on Secrets really bothered me …I mean got under my skin and darn it! I feel like I have my head turned within pondering, self-reflecting and trying to sort out some of these hidden secrets that are covered in dust and cobwebs. Oh, I knew they existed alright! Just didn’t feel like cleaning that particular closet this Spring. But after reading Dave Kester’s humbling and transparent post, it felt like a light went on in that walk in closet and it’s not as scary as I thought, humbling, OH yes! But not so scary. Take your time to read his post. You won’t regret it! Cheryl-Lynn

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