Welcome! Today I’m on an airplane so I get a chance to sit and think, and visit with someone I thought I didn’t know. The couple next to me are traveling on family business and the husband and I shared and talked about a wide variety of subjects. It’s so natural for me to just strike up conversations or respond when others do. It’s super comfortable for me.
This got me thinking, why? Why is it that I can move from person to person and come and go from conversations with complete strangers as if I have known them for years?
The answer is I am the eldest, male child and grandchild of my generation on both sides of my family, and I moved 30 times to 14 schools and lived a significant time with each of 6 parents and step-parents by the time I was 18.
So, fitting in to new situations and people is natural to me. I love being around other people. I love connecting on the deepest subjects. I love the feelings that come up and the things I learn.
As I heal and grow, this sense of connection is ever more growing and growing. I am living more and more of the time feeling really happy.
But let me go back and explain some of what that 18 yr old version of me had to unlearn to get to this place.
That past version of me was very codependent, so in addition to the benefits and skills I learned in my childhood, I took away some beliefs that didn’t serve me. These beliefs were born out of the pressure to succeed, the need to get approval and recognition from others, traumas that I lived through, and the constant changing of scene, people, and situations.
If I were to lump them into a category and give that category a name, I would label it all codependence. For me, all of the beliefs and judgments that have caused me the greatest distress and unhappiness stem from that. I define it this way:
In my codependency, I based my internal emotional state on my perception and judgments of others’ actions, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings. For example:
- When they were looking and speaking down to me I was scared.
- When they were ignoring me or not giving me my due I was angry.
- When they abandoned me I was scared, angry, and utterly out of my mind.
This led me to many techniques and coping mechanisms. I couldn’t find my way to feeling good when anything was going on that I could attach negative judgements to. I literally had no sense of myself and my own happiness. Even when everything was going great, I was speaking for, and creating, negativity. I put huge amounts of energy into trying to control others to be happy.
Over the last 23 years this has begun to change. There are six significant events I can remember that led to the greatest of these changes. They were:
- My decision to stay in college when my dad was worried I’d fail and suggested I quit.
- My decision to quit an employer after a series of projects went badly, and it was in large part my fault.
- My decision to divorce my first wife.
- My decision to go into therapy.
- My decision to grow spiritually.
- My decision to treat every negative emotion in myself as a sign that I’m not living my intended life.
You might notice that some of these are moving away from something. However, every one of these was preceded by a decision to move towards something. Those were:
- A decision to go to college and build a career that used intellect.
- A decision to stop needing other people to think projects I’m on are going great when they are not, and to stop working for people who wanted me to do so.
- A decision to stop making my needs take a back seat in the name of obligation.
- To finally admit that I needed and wanted help.
- A decision to fully own and live from what I have always known, that God was on my side.
- A decision to hold myself fully accountable for my negative thoughts, feelings, actions and attitudes.
These lists feel like a road map of my path to wisdom. As I land on the second half of this fifth decade, I start to realize that I have the depth of wisdom to believe that I truly do manifest my life. Or perhaps I am just tired of living separate from my connection to God. But I now know that love is the source, power, direction, momentum, and outcome of my highest and best and anything else is a sideline from my purpose in this life.
As I write this It’s hard to put into words the full expression of my current mind, body, and soul. Perhaps I will forgive myself for not having the perfect expression in this post.
I know that for this moment, while writing this post, I am in love. I am in love with everything. I am in love with life. I intend to stay in this moment of love.
I know that any derailing from my sense of happiness will be temporary. I will return as easily as I left it. If my mind loses track of the current moment and I slip into an imagined future or judgmental past, my mind can just as easily bring me back. This is based on the belief that negativity is my own creation and I can chose to not create it.
Even though I’m sharing this blog out of a desire to connect with and share wisdom I have come upon, I try to avoid directly telling you what to do. Because I am a learner like you, I don’t know your situation and I don’t think you need my advice to get where you are going. Today, however, I want to break that. I think you should —
Develop an inner sense of a loving self — a sense of love and kindness towards yourself that is so complete that negativity has no soil from which to grow. Do so with the fastest pace possible. Forgive yourself for every wrong you have ever done, either on purpose or by accident, be it one you admit to, deny, or ignore. They are all in the past and thus have no place in our current moment. Shame and guilt are not your inheritance, they are your self-imposed chains. Your inheritance is love and happiness. Forego your belief in past wrongs by yourself and others and forgive. In this way you can shuck the negativity you are so desperate to be free of, but hold to so tightly.
Compression of time or the need for more time are but mental images, everything that needs to come to pass will come to pass in its own time. By my statement above, fastest pace possible, it matters not if it is a second or a lifetime. But do not hold to the fear of forgiveness.
Forgiveness knows nothing of time. Your fear of forgiveness is based on a perception that to forgive is to be made less. This is not truth, it is fear, for you are of the creator and nothing can make you less than her creation.
Therein is the nature of who you truly are. You see, even if you ignore my advice and harbor negativity towards yourself or others it does not affect what your creator has granted you. For you are love and loved and your beliefs, attitudes, feelings, and actions cannot change that.
There is the secret I am finding as I work very hard to unlearn the truth of my judgements. The truth is that I am that I am and I cannot hide the love that is in me from myself forever. Even behind anger, resentments, fear, and sadness, I know we are all love and loved.